-

When I can't even turn to God, who should I turn to?

I'm sick of myself.

Time to make a stand.

A week ago in church I was grunting about not being able to go to Heroes Baptist Youth Camp, I was thinking, God why don't you do something to make me flunk the District Interact Conference and just let me go to the Youth Camp?!

Then it struck me that God may have something for me to do in the DIC, my first thought was that maybe God wanted me to evangelise to the people there, friends there, to tell people about the gospel. So I went to the conference with a heart thinking that I would be given opportunity to evangelise to people, and opportunity arose, they did, there were people asking about God, like Alvin and all, I tried my best to tell him about God, and it progressed a little, I was thinking : This can work, God really wants me to evangelise here, to tell people about the Good News!

Guess what.

As much as God wanted it, He knew I wasn't ready for that.

It just struck me by the end of the conference, that God didn't put me in the conference to influence people, God wanted to see how I would be influenced by the people around me.

He wanted to tell me that:

• I have a really stuck up, egoistic and ignorance way of speech.
• I don't care or sub-consciously don't care about how others feel.
• I think too highly of myself.
• I never humble myself.
• I never lay down my pride and admit that I'm wrong.
• I never think that I'm the one to blame, even when everyone is pointing at me.
• I always think the few friends around me talk too harshly, while not noticing I'm the harshest of them all.
• I order people more than I ask people to do something.
• I don't treat everyone equally.
• While wanting people to give me respect, I don't respect others.
• Again, I'm too stuck up.

God told me and told me and told me so many times, He reminded me through so many so many ways. But I just couldn't hear or see it. There were two speaker in the conference, Puan Sussie and Dr. Siva I think, said something that is so close to my heart,

-Respect cannot be demanded, only earned. The only way to earn respect is to give out respect.

-Many at times we blame outwards, a good leader blame inwards.

Maybe if I apply these two things in my life, I'd be better. and of course, having God in my heart too.

God also showed me through the conference that I am weak at controlling myself.

Emotions and thoughts, gain control over me, especially emotions.

God showed me so obviously that if I don't control my emotions but let it control me, I'll never be me, I'll never be able to control what I do.

I read this article, it said that we can control our Thoughts, Emotions, Actions and Reactions.

Without controlling them, we're just puppets of emotions and thoughts.

And I've been that puppet for a long long time.

God put into my head, that I need to start living, start to rule myself, to be rational.

It's hard, so hard, to pull myself out from that state, it's like I'm too adapted to it.

I think I shouldn't ignore what God's trying to say anymore.

He's been calling out to me so many so many times, and maybe it's... no, it definitely is time for me to make a stand.

From after I wake up onwards, I won't let emotions control me anymore, I'm gonna get rid of all my negativity and live my life through what God says and what's rational. I'm ridding myself of all useless emotions, until i learn to control them.

I'm gonna win this time.

=)

I didn't really notice until someone reminded me.

only 2 people know this blog exists. haha!

feels good la, a bit of privacy.

but then can't write everything also right? there's a biting pig who views this blog too. haha!

late night love songs is awesome. =)

degraded.

High possibility of dropping to B class.

why. why. why.

damn, should've studied harder.

I'm sad damn it.

i care. why

I was so convinced that I didn't like her at all, that all was just an misunderstood admiration. but why do i feel sad to see her in a relationship?

I don't think I like her.

But I feel unsecured for her.

Maybe it's just me knowing that she believes in people too easily that makes me worry.

Or her not being able to cope with disappointment,

Or her not being able to understand what people's really thinking,

Or her different perspective of life.

Or her innocent thoughts,

I know you're not gonna see this, but still, be well.

I'm not there for you anymore.

It's funny how it works,

I care for her so much. Yet I don't like her, what's this state called?

Maybe it's just that she's like a pure innocent thinking girl that I cannot bear to see fall.

i care.

i really do.

And it all started with a smile.

I hope everything will be fine. for you.

May God bless you,

really.

lol.

It's been quite a long time since I've got this feeling. feels a bit, different.

I barely know you, maybe a bit. but it stops there.

Why do I feel a pang of sadness when I knew there were others liking you?

Why do i lose motivation to move forward towards you?

Haha, I sound so damn childish.

and when i thought these days were over.

ha!

血与雪

心流着血，

躺在血泊中，

朱红的血渗透了洁白的雪，

心跳逐渐慢了，

眼睛也慢慢沉重了，

眼前的雪花好美，

轻轻的掉落到我脸颊，

溶了，

分不出哪滴是泪，

哪滴是雪，

冬天亦美，

亦残酷。

缓慢着流着的血，

是在让我多望这世界几眼，

还是在让我感受这痛苦？

冰冷的风吹过，

带走了我的生命，

也带走了我一切忧愁。

the feeling before midnight.

I feel terrible.

I didn't feel any pressure from exams until now, which is 2 days from it.

The pressure comes down in one go,

finally in study mood, but only have 24 hours to go, sleep time included.

Chem. Phy. Bio. AMaths. Maths. Sej.

awesome.

I hate myself.

Shinjuku Incident

This has got to be the most disturbing movie I've seen. The last few were Jean of Ark and New Police Story.

I bought this DVD (Shinjuku Incident) 2 weeks ago and just watched it today after studying physics for a while. It's a very well portrayed movie, undoubtedly.

It talks about illegal Chinese immigrants trying to earn a living in Japan. Jackie Chan, Daniel Wu, Fan Bin Bin was starred in this movie.

The movie start with the chinese immigrants just earning a meagre income through random jobs, but then they encountered the 'dark side' of the city and started doing illegal stuff. (not that being there were legal for them though)

It IS violent, I didn't think that it'd be that violent when I first saw the title.

Jackie Chan didn't display alot of martial arts skill in this movie, he put on a serious face, and was serious throughout the whole movie.

What makes this movie really interesting, (though sorta disturbing for me) is how the characters slowly change as the movie goes on. From the friendly bunch, they start to change to very vicious criminals.

Daniel Wu portrayed his character really really well.

He has a really sad story, and a really sad ending.

Started from this guy :

on the right

to this guy:

sad case.

The only person who didn't change was Jackie, known as "steel head" in the movie. No spoilers here, but he didn't have a really happy life too.

Traitors

Murders

Goth

Gore

Violence

Childhood promises broke

Relationships lost

all in this movie.

It's a nice movie, but it won't make you smile at all.

Give it a try though. =)

Bday card from Singapore. =)

It's been a long time since I blogged ( feel like I've said this quite a number of times xD)

It's a week away from exams and here I am. Blogging, not when exams are far away, but when everyone is cracking their heads studying. Calling myself weird, is an understatement.

Anyway, today I received a birthday card from a friend named Jiawei that I got to know through a summer camp (Nan Hua Summercamp) last year in Singapore. *a bit of promotion here, it's an awesome camp xD*

It was really nice receiving a birthday card all the way from another country, it's my first time receiving one. Makes me feel like, even though it's been a year, some of us still keep contact.

so here are some pictures of the card

Haha, It's been 2 years since I've started going to summercamps, I went to NanHua's summercamp in 2007 and also 2008. It was a really fun experience, and also where I learned to really smile in front of the cam. haha! I also got to know a lot of friends, though a lot of us are busy with our own stuff and don't really communicate alot these days, yet the memories of having fun, working, and eating together will stay there.

In March I went to a camp in Fu Jian, China, it's only between CLHS and He Shan High. Though most of the time we were stuck in their class listening to Maths, Science and History in CHINESE, still it was a really nice experience. Sorry, my mistake, it was an AWESOME experience.

You know normally we have negative opinions on chinese from China for being rude and stuff?

EXCLUDE THE STUDENTS.

Haha, the students there were the friendliest bunch. You'd be smiling back at some student opposite the canteen without knowing who he or she is. A few of us also experienced this: walking on the school compound to find yourself suddenly asked to take a photo with some student you don't even know.

Most of us are still keeping contact, they go home only once a few weeks so we don't get to chat alot though.

We'd also be bombarded with a large amount of students in our tiny little hostel. It'd be full house and more than half the people needed to stand outside.

All in all we feel really really really welcomed.

In July it was the He Shan High's students turn to come to CLHS for a 'sorta like' camp thing.

According to them they didn't really enjoy the food, but they enjoyed the whole camp.

There was this girl 盼盼 who couldn't stop crying when she left my house to go to the airport. According to my friend she cried the whole way home. A really nice girl, *though she forced me to take photos for her throughout the 7 days xD*

I've always said to my friends that I was lucky to be able to go to so many international camps, and normally they'd perli me with : 'Use so much money leh. you rich mah'.

Haha, well actually, I think it's more worth for me to go then because for the Singapore camp I didn't pay alot, and the China camp I just paid for the air tickets, isn't it better than going yourself and paying for the hotel and food?

Actually the real worth is where I actually learnt a lot of different life styles, ed system, learn how to adapt to different places, and so on. And the best thing is I got to know a lot of friends. and I mean ALOT. some are just one time encounters, it still counts. With every different people I met from the camps I have a story to tell, how I met them, what we talked about, how we treated each other and so on.

It feels really good, knowing that at least I've been there, done that.

=)

You guys who have opportunities to attend these kinda camps should really embrace it. ;)

they're here.

Woot. The China students arrived today! Here are some pics.

KD vaining with the flowers.

Waiting for their arrival

Brendon and KD with the board and flowers

The First Glimpse.

They're here!

Oh yea

The Vice Principal of the He Shan High School

MAKAN! 

China students are coming to CLHS

Guess what. Students from China are coming to CLHS for a week!

Though I don't understand why CLHS planned these at these times(h1n1), first thai students, now China students. (i guess it was set a long time ago.)

Anyway, 11 of them are coming(8girls 3 guys ), will be staying here from the 5th of July to the 12th of July. Me, Brendond, Kai Deng and Ti yang are going to host one guy in each of our houses.

The school has also set partners for each an everyone of them. Mine'll be Ji Ping and Ping Ping. 

Anyway, there'll be pictures when they come, I'll make sure i take loads of em. 

=) 

Thailand - Chungling Interacting Day

Oh yeah, that's the national flag of Thailand alright.

Today around 40 students from Thailand came to our school (CLHS).  They were from 4 different schools that I didn't bother to remember the names 'cause they were so damn hard to pronounce.  

Around 14 of us were asked to help out with the team building and ice-breaking session. The Chinese Orchestra members were there too, around 70 of em. We actually wanted to let the last ice breaking game to bring them high, but turned out the CO members turn high p.r.e.t.t.y easily. Before the ice breaking started they were already on ecstasy mode.  Much like the scouts their high bar is quite short, some music then they're on air d. 

Anyway, first we had a game where all the participants get a small slip of paper with a word, it's either animals or characters. ec. Michael Jackson, Superman, Fish, Pig and so on.

So what they had to do was act out what they're given without making any sound, then find the team members with the same criteria. 

It was amazingly amazing to see people 'moonwalk'ing all around the hall. xD

Anyway, no pictures for now, I'll upload the pictures once I get them from Jack Jin. 

=)

emo education.

Nowadays we hear the word 'emo' alot, no matter in school or outside of school. Many people think emo stands for emotional, actually the concept isn't entirely true.

So now, let's have some emo education.

 aka emo ed.

An Insight on EMO

emo hairstyle

Emo Illustration

Emo Art

Emo....joke?

Pictures speak louder than words, for those of you who don't understand what's emo ( I don't think there is) you should get the idea now.

SO how did the 'emo culture' originate?

Here.

WHAT IS EMO?

VERSION ONE
The original emo was short for emotive-hardcore, a subgenre of 1980's DC punk. Some of these bands were Moss Icon, Rites of Spring, and Dag Nasty. These kids were closely tied to punk. The few existing "original" emos dress like nerds with sweater vests and dress pants.

VERSION TWO
This one came up in the early 90's. These kids wear tight shirts and old, cut-up jeans. They have messenger bags and carry around a notebook to write poetry. They have black rimmed glasses and are "over-emotional" but NOT whiny. They get the most down about relationships. They enjoy the arts and reading in-depth books. They have many opinions and often talk about them. They usually hang out in coffee shops. They listen to pretentious or acoustic music.

VERSION THREE
This one came about around the mid-2000's. They have blogs and they whine about everything. They dye their hair with cheap black hair dye. Their hair is messy, greasy, and has side-swept bangs. Their clothes are much like the previous version, only they have a larger emphasis on band tee's and they have started wearing skinny jeans. They love Chuck's and Van's. They listen to pop-punk music and adore Hot Topic. Self-harm is a pretty recent addition to "Emo".

WHERE DID IT COME FROM?
Many say the first Emo album was Husker Du's Zen Arcade back in 1984. This actual Emo music managed to stay popular with "Emo" people until about 1999 at which point the media stole this term to describe bands such as Dashboard Confessional and Jimmy Eat World. These became the bands for the next version of Emo. Around 2006 they began to get confused with goths.

WHY IS IT SO POPULAR?
That just became a trend, to be unique. When a lot of people think "unique" they think "unpopular". That is what Emo was before and now it's just a "popular" thing to do when you are "hurting".

The emo ed lesson now comes to an end.

We hope you've gained valuable information and put the knowledge to good use.

Thank you.

what the.

New header.

It's freaking 2.55 a.m. in the morning and I just finished my header.

pheew.

It took me long enough, 'cause my photoshop was sitting on my dock there for at least a couple of months collecting dust. (if there is dust virtually) 

I Love photoshop,

But my Laziness just overtakes the Love.

Well, I hope you guys like the new header, all the photos are taken by me, I didn't steal anyone's photos so chill. 

=)

P.S.  I CAN'T GET THE FREAKING CANCER THINGY OFF MY HEADER! I'M NOT EVEN A CANCER!        help! yikes. 

Yes! Yes! Update!

Yes, you can't believe it, I can't believe it,

I'm updating.

You've probably noticed the change in my background, from the previous emo one (which for some reason joey likes) to the more, cheerful one. =) It hurts throwing away my work, the background was created by me, using approximately 10 minutes, it breaks my heart, but I have to discard it. =(

I feel really bad for leaving my blog to rot after typing more than a hundred posts.

SO,

I'm going to start AFRESH!  

*echoes*                                           afresh   afresh   afresh .......

Actually I'm inspired by two blogging maniacs, looking at their blog makes me wanna blog. And of course people like them use a large portion of their time to blog,(Like they have nothing better to do)

the duo:

alvin

www.alvinon9.com

and

chien ming

www.chi3nming.com

Their blogs are quite interesting, with a mixture of the 'siao'-ness of CLHS and also some other stuff, drop by to check out. =)

Recently I've noticed ( who hasn't) that quite a number of people are owning dslrs in CLHS, as well as other schools, from around my age group, at least. It's encouraging to see so many people are into photography now.

2 years ago when i got my dslr, 

if I stood in the centre of the school and shout,

14-50mm macro lens on sale! F1.0 ! RM400

most students will say: "Siao ar, don't know what he's crapping about."

Now if I do the same thing,

most students will still say: " Siao ar,"

but the remaining sentence will be : " where got so cheap price one?...you 'gang' who?

irony, but still, encouraging. nonetheless. 

Our school's leos are mostly made up of photography enthusiasts.

according to some leo guy.

anyway, in a nutshell I'm gonna try to revive this blog. woot, happy me.

And get my dslr back from my cousin *glares*

emo rants.

Lately I've found out that I might have multiple personality disorder.

ok

just kidding.

 still, undoubtedly sometimes I act this way, sometimes i act that way.

it's like, this is what you SHOULD do,

but that's what you WANT to do.

And to turn away from what I WANT to do to what I SHOULD do.

is never easy.

It's weird how stuff in this world works.

You walk,

You fall.

Get up and walk,

and fall again.

Man, is there a possibility of not falling?

I guess not,

but well, with God nothing is impossible.

But is it possible to push away what you feel because it's not right?

It's been bothering me,

that I shouldn't feel what i do feel, because it's, 

well, i don't even know if it's right or wrong.

crap.

now i sound like a kid who doesn't now how to differentiate right and wrong.

Doing something you don't really want to do but have to do.

great.

oh great, now i just found out that I just emoly ranted.