Time to make a stand.

A week ago in church I was grunting about not being able to go to Heroes Baptist Youth Camp, I was thinking, God why don't you do something to make me flunk the District Interact Conference and just let me go to the Youth Camp?!

Then it struck me that God may have something for me to do in the DIC, my first thought was that maybe God wanted me to evangelise to the people there, friends there, to tell people about the gospel. So I went to the conference with a heart thinking that I would be given opportunity to evangelise to people, and opportunity arose, they did, there were people asking about God, like Alvin and all, I tried my best to tell him about God, and it progressed a little, I was thinking : This can work, God really wants me to evangelise here, to tell people about the Good News!

Guess what.

As much as God wanted it, He knew I wasn't ready for that.

It just struck me by the end of the conference, that God didn't put me in the conference to influence people, God wanted to see how I would be influenced by the people around me.

He wanted to tell me that:

• I have a really stuck up, egoistic and ignorance way of speech.
• I don't care or sub-consciously don't care about how others feel.
• I think too highly of myself.
• I never humble myself.
• I never lay down my pride and admit that I'm wrong.
• I never think that I'm the one to blame, even when everyone is pointing at me.
• I always think the few friends around me talk too harshly, while not noticing I'm the harshest of them all.
• I order people more than I ask people to do something.
• I don't treat everyone equally.
• While wanting people to give me respect, I don't respect others.
• Again, I'm too stuck up.

God told me and told me and told me so many times, He reminded me through so many so many ways. But I just couldn't hear or see it. There were two speaker in the conference, Puan Sussie and Dr. Siva I think, said something that is so close to my heart,

-Respect cannot be demanded, only earned. The only way to earn respect is to give out respect.

-Many at times we blame outwards, a good leader blame inwards.

Maybe if I apply these two things in my life, I'd be better. and of course, having God in my heart too.

God also showed me through the conference that I am weak at controlling myself.

Emotions and thoughts, gain control over me, especially emotions.

God showed me so obviously that if I don't control my emotions but let it control me, I'll never be me, I'll never be able to control what I do.

I read this article, it said that we can control our Thoughts, Emotions, Actions and Reactions.

Without controlling them, we're just puppets of emotions and thoughts.

And I've been that puppet for a long long time.

God put into my head, that I need to start living, start to rule myself, to be rational.

It's hard, so hard, to pull myself out from that state, it's like I'm too adapted to it.

I think I shouldn't ignore what God's trying to say anymore.

He's been calling out to me so many so many times, and maybe it's... no, it definitely is time for me to make a stand.

From after I wake up onwards, I won't let emotions control me anymore, I'm gonna get rid of all my negativity and live my life through what God says and what's rational. I'm ridding myself of all useless emotions, until i learn to control them.

I'm gonna win this time.

=)

I didn't really notice until someone reminded me.

only 2 people know this blog exists. haha!

feels good la, a bit of privacy.

but then can't write everything also right? there's a biting pig who views this blog too. haha!

late night love songs is awesome. =)

degraded.

High possibility of dropping to B class.

why. why. why.

damn, should've studied harder.

I'm sad damn it.

i care. why

I was so convinced that I didn't like her at all, that all was just an misunderstood admiration. but why do i feel sad to see her in a relationship?

I don't think I like her.

But I feel unsecured for her.

Maybe it's just me knowing that she believes in people too easily that makes me worry.

Or her not being able to cope with disappointment,

Or her not being able to understand what people's really thinking,

Or her different perspective of life.

Or her innocent thoughts,

I know you're not gonna see this, but still, be well.

I'm not there for you anymore.

It's funny how it works,

I care for her so much. Yet I don't like her, what's this state called?

Maybe it's just that she's like a pure innocent thinking girl that I cannot bear to see fall.

i care.

i really do.

And it all started with a smile.

I hope everything will be fine. for you.

May God bless you,

really.

lol.

It's been quite a long time since I've got this feeling. feels a bit, different.

I barely know you, maybe a bit. but it stops there.

Why do I feel a pang of sadness when I knew there were others liking you?

Why do i lose motivation to move forward towards you?

Haha, I sound so damn childish.

and when i thought these days were over.

ha!

血与雪

心流着血，

躺在血泊中，

朱红的血渗透了洁白的雪，

心跳逐渐慢了，

眼睛也慢慢沉重了，

眼前的雪花好美，

轻轻的掉落到我脸颊，

溶了，

分不出哪滴是泪，

哪滴是雪，

冬天亦美，

亦残酷。

缓慢着流着的血，

是在让我多望这世界几眼，

还是在让我感受这痛苦？

冰冷的风吹过，

带走了我的生命，

也带走了我一切忧愁。

the feeling before midnight.

I feel terrible.

I didn't feel any pressure from exams until now, which is 2 days from it.

The pressure comes down in one go,

finally in study mood, but only have 24 hours to go, sleep time included.

Chem. Phy. Bio. AMaths. Maths. Sej.

awesome.

I hate myself.

Shinjuku Incident

This has got to be the most disturbing movie I've seen. The last few were Jean of Ark and New Police Story.

I bought this DVD (Shinjuku Incident) 2 weeks ago and just watched it today after studying physics for a while. It's a very well portrayed movie, undoubtedly.

It talks about illegal Chinese immigrants trying to earn a living in Japan. Jackie Chan, Daniel Wu, Fan Bin Bin was starred in this movie.

The movie start with the chinese immigrants just earning a meagre income through random jobs, but then they encountered the 'dark side' of the city and started doing illegal stuff. (not that being there were legal for them though)

It IS violent, I didn't think that it'd be that violent when I first saw the title.

Jackie Chan didn't display alot of martial arts skill in this movie, he put on a serious face, and was serious throughout the whole movie.

What makes this movie really interesting, (though sorta disturbing for me) is how the characters slowly change as the movie goes on. From the friendly bunch, they start to change to very vicious criminals.

Daniel Wu portrayed his character really really well.

He has a really sad story, and a really sad ending.

Started from this guy :

on the right

to this guy:

sad case.

The only person who didn't change was Jackie, known as "steel head" in the movie. No spoilers here, but he didn't have a really happy life too.

Traitors

Murders

Goth

Gore

Violence

Childhood promises broke

Relationships lost

all in this movie.

It's a nice movie, but it won't make you smile at all.

Give it a try though. =)

Bday card from Singapore. =)

It's been a long time since I blogged ( feel like I've said this quite a number of times xD)

It's a week away from exams and here I am. Blogging, not when exams are far away, but when everyone is cracking their heads studying. Calling myself weird, is an understatement.

Anyway, today I received a birthday card from a friend named Jiawei that I got to know through a summer camp (Nan Hua Summercamp) last year in Singapore. *a bit of promotion here, it's an awesome camp xD*

It was really nice receiving a birthday card all the way from another country, it's my first time receiving one. Makes me feel like, even though it's been a year, some of us still keep contact.

so here are some pictures of the card

Haha, It's been 2 years since I've started going to summercamps, I went to NanHua's summercamp in 2007 and also 2008. It was a really fun experience, and also where I learned to really smile in front of the cam. haha! I also got to know a lot of friends, though a lot of us are busy with our own stuff and don't really communicate alot these days, yet the memories of having fun, working, and eating together will stay there.

In March I went to a camp in Fu Jian, China, it's only between CLHS and He Shan High. Though most of the time we were stuck in their class listening to Maths, Science and History in CHINESE, still it was a really nice experience. Sorry, my mistake, it was an AWESOME experience.

You know normally we have negative opinions on chinese from China for being rude and stuff?

EXCLUDE THE STUDENTS.

Haha, the students there were the friendliest bunch. You'd be smiling back at some student opposite the canteen without knowing who he or she is. A few of us also experienced this: walking on the school compound to find yourself suddenly asked to take a photo with some student you don't even know.

Most of us are still keeping contact, they go home only once a few weeks so we don't get to chat alot though.

We'd also be bombarded with a large amount of students in our tiny little hostel. It'd be full house and more than half the people needed to stand outside.

All in all we feel really really really welcomed.

In July it was the He Shan High's students turn to come to CLHS for a 'sorta like' camp thing.

According to them they didn't really enjoy the food, but they enjoyed the whole camp.

There was this girl 盼盼 who couldn't stop crying when she left my house to go to the airport. According to my friend she cried the whole way home. A really nice girl, *though she forced me to take photos for her throughout the 7 days xD*

I've always said to my friends that I was lucky to be able to go to so many international camps, and normally they'd perli me with : 'Use so much money leh. you rich mah'.

Haha, well actually, I think it's more worth for me to go then because for the Singapore camp I didn't pay alot, and the China camp I just paid for the air tickets, isn't it better than going yourself and paying for the hotel and food?

Actually the real worth is where I actually learnt a lot of different life styles, ed system, learn how to adapt to different places, and so on. And the best thing is I got to know a lot of friends. and I mean ALOT. some are just one time encounters, it still counts. With every different people I met from the camps I have a story to tell, how I met them, what we talked about, how we treated each other and so on.

It feels really good, knowing that at least I've been there, done that.

=)

You guys who have opportunities to attend these kinda camps should really embrace it. ;)